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24 February 2012 @ 07:43 pm
[hawaii five 0] Let this be our last, Steve/Danny, hard R.  
Title: Let this be our last.
Paring/s: Steve/Danny, Danny/Gabby
Genre: Angst
Rating; hard R.
Warnings/Spoilers: General S2 spoilers and indirectly set after 2x17.
Summary: Danny’s always wanted the life everyone else wanted for him.
AN: I’d just like to note that I like Gabby, from the very little we’ve seen of her, and if I wasn’t so intensely in love with Steve/Danny, I’d say she’s great for Danny, and the best of luck to them, and so on.


Somewhere between his third and fourth pancake [too many blueberries, not enough syrup] Danny finds Steve’s mouth pressed against his; Steve’s fingertips flirting with the tight, throbbing skin of Danny’s neck.

‘Okay,’ Danny says, and he’s proud of his quiet, his calm. He pulls his head to one side and Steve’s out, giving Danny space, too many sorrys and not enough truth.

Danny drops his fork – his appetite seems to follow – and he stands with shaky feet, weary breath.

‘I’m going to go,’ Danny tells Steve’s kitchen floor, not braving a glance over, not wanting to know.

‘Danny,’ Steve says, in that voice, from all those times before [when Matt left, when it wasn’t his baby, when Grace was nearly gone forever].

‘No,’ Danny says, ‘no, you can’t,’ shaking his head and getting his keys, not angry or bitter but numb.

‘Please,’ but Steve shouldn’t ask, it isn’t fair, and Danny was already gone.

%

There might have been a time, once, at the start, when they both needed something, traction. There might have been a time, later, when Danny gave up Rachel, and Jersey, and slept inside his car outside the prison, when he prayed to a God that he’d disowned long ago.

They only have now, is the thing. They only have Steve, hell bent on revenge, and Danny, trying to make life work with Grace, and Gabby. Trying to make peace with his lot.

%

Steve kisses Danny again, eights days later, around the back of Chin’s shed, like they’re teenagers, like he can. Danny keeps his back to the wall and his mouth closed; feeling the tight span of Steve’s chest under his fingertips, pushing him away.

“No, Steve, I said no, what part of that don’t you understand?”

Steve hasn’t moved far. He still has his hand dug into Danny’s hip, still smells like sea air and tastes like salt on Danny’s chin. “All of it,” Steve says, leans in and kisses the place below Danny’s ear. He inhales, long, and leaves, leaves Danny to catch whatever breath Steve left behind.

%

It’s occurs to Danny to get angry at Steve, to yell and punch and fight his way through it, but he can’t. He can’t because he knows it will feel like going ten rounds with a heavy bag. Everything will ache and Steve won’t budge. It even occurs to Danny to be insulted. He likes Gabby a lot; he likes who he is when he’s with her, who he can be for Grace.

He likes the way Gabby wears his shirt and tie to make him breakfast, says, ‘Jam, Detective?’ with an eyebrow up and a smirk so soft he has to kiss it and see if it is. He likes holding her hand and touching her knee and waking up next to her, waking her up, having sex because she wants it and making plans for things, after.

Danny wants to be insulted, wants to say, see, look, it’s normal, I have it, I can do it, someone can do it with me.

He doesn’t.

%

There’s a dead body, in a suitcase, at Honolulu Airport, and they spend the better part of five days making it right.

‘I thought he had you, with that last shot,’ Kono smirks at him, pulling the take-out from the bags, passing it around. ‘I think he gave you a little hair cut, right there.’

Kono touches at the back of Danny’s head and he grabs her gently, pushes her on. ‘If he had me I’d be dead and my obituary would have said, Danny Williams, brilliant detective, burdened one last time by a lousy team that had no faith in him.’

‘Cold, brah,’ Chin says and when Danny glances over, laughing, he sees the dark look in Steve’s eyes.

A kind of fear that is worth more than Danny’s life.

%

On a Thursday, Steve has their friends over to his house, has the grill on, and beer, and a distant expression that Danny can’t place. Steve kisses Gabby on the cheek, and talks to her about work, Grace, local things that don’t matter but still make her laugh.

They dance to no music, Gabby eats off his plate, and Danny tries not to look over his shoulder, and tries not to think about the mess they’re making. When everyone leaves, and Gabby waits in the car, Danny finds Steve face up in the sand, face up at the stars.

‘Hey,’ he says, and, ‘I’ve had too much to drink.’

Danny has his hands in his pockets as he steps around, saying, ‘I hear beer and the ocean don’t mix, so make sure you get inside soon, okay?’

Steve smiles, a little, and brings his hand up under Danny’s pants to stroke gently at the back of his calf. Danny breathes a little harder, looks at Steve a little longer than he should.

‘She doesn’t have to know,’ Steve says, like a promise.

‘We’d know.’

‘Good,’ and Steve is quiet but every inch is thick with conviction. ‘I want to know that Danny, every fucking part of it.’

Danny just says, ‘Night, Steve,’ and walks away, in step with the thumpthumpthump of his treacherous heart.

%

Steve comes to the house on a night he has Grace, and Danny knows that Steve knows that, and Danny hates that it works. Steve sits on the floor with Grace, drawing, and pasting, and talking under their breaths about Steve’s life, impossible things [mermaids, really? I can’t be sure, maybe,].

When she sleeps, Steve sits on the couch, pulling Danny’s legs across his, and they sit there, silent, watching a game, playing their own. Steve doesn’t kiss him, doesn’t try, and says goodnight at the front door, and says,

‘I know I waited too long,’ keeps going, ‘but it’s not over, you know, I’m not done.’

%

Danny gets drunk with Chin Ho and says,

‘If Malia had sex with somebody else, that would be unforgivable, right, you couldn’t forgive her for that, could you?’

‘Are you cheating, Danny?’

‘No,’

‘Are you thinking about it?’

Last night, yes, and most nights, thinking about Steve and Steve’s hands and the way the skin gathers in scars and the way it would feel against his body, his thigh, his, ‘I don’t know.’

‘You should stop,’ Chin says, serious and hard, ‘and start thinking about why.’

%

At 11:54, some time during the week, Danny opens his mouth and lets Steve kiss him. Steve has a hand around Danny’s tie – original – the other in his hair and Danny’s trapped there, caught, between the wicked spread of Steve’s legs. They kiss, and it’s warm, and it fits, it just is; no trumpets, no fireworks, but Danny almost forgets how to stop.

‘Why,’ he says, hoarse, pulling his mouth away, tearing his eyes from the shocking red of Steve’s lips. ‘You told me to go for it, you pushed me to … ’

‘I know, Danny,’ Steve says, dragging his mouth along Danny’s neck, his jaw, their stubble catching. ‘You’re mine, though, I want to keep you.’

‘What about Grace, and Gabby, and how fucking perfect it could be, what about that?’

‘I’m not perfect,’ Steve concedes, ‘But being with you, and Grace, it’s the closest I’ve ever gotten.’

Danny should say, liar, he should say, what about your dead father, and Hesse, and Joe, what about Wo Fat? He should pull out every weapon, every story he will never know and every piece he will never have, and he should hurt Steve with it. He should say, you’ll never be enough, I’ll never have enough, I can never really love you.

He should be a liar, too.

%

Danny takes Grace and Gabby away for a weekend, not too far, but enough that he can be grounded, keep focussed. They play in the pool at the hotel, eat seafood til they’re sick with it, and read Grace Fairytales in bed, the three of them squashed together, uncomfortable and happy.

Danny watches Gabby undress, joining him in the bath, and watches her climb on top of him and fuck him and watches the way her mouth curls around his name, Danny, around the best words, yes and please and want. He carries her to bed and they do it again and when she falls asleep beneath him he takes his cell phone out into the empty hall.

‘Danny?’

‘Rachel hit me with her car, and you got me shot, but Gabby, Gabby read me her favourite poem and told me I had nice eyes.’

‘You do.’

‘You’re not getting it!’

‘Sure I am. She’s safe.’

‘She’s right for me!’

Steve sighs and it goes on forever. ‘Then why are you calling me, Danno?’

%

Grace’s school has a lunch for Special Friends, and Rachel comes with the baby, and Steve shows up in the middle, sweaty, his gun peeking out from his holster. Danny throws Rachel a look that she reads – he’s an open book to her now – and she says, ‘Grace asked for him specifically,’ and that’s all that needs to be said.

‘Let me guess,’ Danny says to Steve over the refreshments table, ‘The perp you chased half way across town is cuffed somewhere outside and this is just a quick stop on your way back to HQ?’

Steve gives him one of those smiles, ‘Something like that, yeah,’ and damn it, Danny smiles back, and they just stand there like that, just a few feet from his family, just this side of being normal.

%

It ends one night, at Steve’s house, with Steve fresh from ER and talking two octaves too high. Danny wrestles him inside, as far as the sofa, before Steve takes control, trips him up, and they land on the floor with Steve above him. Steve breathes like its combat, gasps of air, saying,

‘I love - ’ and this time Danny pulls him down, kisses him, hands on his ass and legs twisted around and he feels so young and reckless, so old and stupid, so lost.

‘Danny,’ Steve says, the same way he says thank you, and he crawls down the length of Danny’s body, finds his buckle, finds his cock, ready and wanting and unable to hide it any more. Steve’s drowsy and imperfect and it’s wet and hot and deep around him and Danny fucks into it and doesn’t care because Steve asked for it, Steve did this.

‘Fuck,’ Danny yells, when it’s over, when Steve’s wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, sitting there, on the floor, just finished. Just waiting.

%

There’s a loud, angry knocking on Steve’s door, 1AM, and he doesn’t dress and doesn’t rush and finds Danny standing there, without a tie, with sad eyes.

‘You should have told me before,’

‘I know,’

‘She’s,’ Danny stops. ‘You, you’ve got me, okay, I can’t, there’s just you, and I hate you so much for it, I hate you,’

‘I know,’ Steve says again and when he reaches out for Danny, Danny's there, at last, all of him.
 
 
 
The Black Sluggard: Dannoblack_sluggard on February 24th, 2012 09:52 am (UTC)
Ouch. It hurt, but it was incredible.
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 10:48 am (UTC)
Thanks so much :)
Ellen: h50 - McDanno hushtheellibu on February 24th, 2012 10:03 am (UTC)
That was beautiful. So angsty and powerful, and just. Beautiful. I love it :)
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 10:49 am (UTC)
I really appreciate that, thank you :)
Indigo Catindigocat on February 24th, 2012 11:22 am (UTC)
Wonderful. Though I could see Rachel wanting to sit Danny down and patiently explaining to Danny that while their daughter like Gabby she likes Steve.
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 10:51 am (UTC)
I've always imagined Danny would be out of the loop where Steve, and his love for Steve, was concerned ;) thanks for the lovely comments
Deb: H50: Danny Steve grabdebarouchi on February 24th, 2012 12:43 pm (UTC)
Oh. Ouch. But beautifully written.

Thanks for sharing
Oh, so that's puce.: the other sidemijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 10:52 am (UTC)
They hurt so good, don't they? Thanks :)
mangacat201mangacat201 on February 24th, 2012 01:11 pm (UTC)
oh wow, that was fantastic. Heartbreaking but really really authentic and raw. I loved the struggle Danny found himself in and that it wasn't an easy process to let go. Bravo!
Cat
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 10:53 am (UTC)
I was struggling with how lovely the whole Danny/Gabby thing is, so I had to write something to mess with it a little. It's the tin hat curse, I think. Thanks so much
JazzyBabe: prayingStevejazzybabe56 on February 24th, 2012 01:28 pm (UTC)
wow - so heartbreaking and packed full of Steve-longing/yearning --- I love it!!

a true thing of beauty! ♥♥♥
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 10:55 am (UTC)
Steve pines so well ;) thank you so much, it means a lot to hear such lovely things
noctuabunda: mcdanno by url_girlnoctuabunda on February 24th, 2012 02:05 pm (UTC)
Wonderful. Angsty and beautiful at the same time.
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 10:55 am (UTC)
thank you :D
enigmaticblues: steve & dannyenigmaticblues on February 24th, 2012 02:07 pm (UTC)
Wow. That hurt, but in the best possible way.
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 10:56 am (UTC)
I'm so glad, thank you
ThunderingLunie: Hawaii Five-0 - Steve & Danny Starelunachickk on February 24th, 2012 02:20 pm (UTC)
Wow, just wow. Angsty and gorgeous. So beautifully written, so very in character too. I loved it.
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 11:00 am (UTC)
It means a hell of a lot to hear you say the voices were in character :) thanks so much
AndreaLyn: h50: quarterbacks prerogativeandrealyn on February 24th, 2012 02:22 pm (UTC)
I absolutely adore your writing style, but also the beautiful, beautiful way you wrote everyone in Danny's life -- not just Steve, but Gabby and Grace and Rachel too. This was so amazing and I love it!
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 11:04 am (UTC)
I'm a sucker for Danny getting as much love as possible ;) I feel so useless when replying to comments because I'm not sure how much 'thank you' conveys how happy it maeks me to read such compliments. thanks a lot!
spaceiam_space on February 24th, 2012 02:30 pm (UTC)
Gah, this slays me - but in all the best possible ways! Steve's persistence is borderline creepy, but it makes all the sense in the world - he's in 100% and isn't going to give up. Danny stood no chance, really. Beautiful, beautiful writing. <3
Oh, so that's puce.: fraser pilotmijmeraar on March 2nd, 2012 11:06 am (UTC)
Haha, borderline creepy is PERFECT, thank you for that summation, and thank you for such awesome comments :)
Kathy: Mcdanno backs :)kitmerlot1213 on February 24th, 2012 02:56 pm (UTC)
This was just lovely!

I love how you showed Danny's confusion and that he was genuinely torn between wanting a "normal" family life with Gabby and Grace and his feelings for Steve. And while Grace likes Gabby, it's Steve that Grace loves and wants has part of her family.

And good for Danny for letting his fear go and for realizing that Steve is the person he wants to be with.

Wonderful angsty work on this :)
Oh, so that's puce.: kayleemijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:24 am (UTC)
I'm finaly catching up on feedback, so sorry for hte late reply, and thank you so much for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it :)
D.J.: H50-McGarrettdjin7 on February 24th, 2012 04:18 pm (UTC)
oooh, I really loved this. Very nice internal struggle for Danny and perfect, relentless, 'dog-with-a-bone' Steve. Beautiful! Nicely done.
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:25 am (UTC)
Haha, I have to say I like the expression 'dog-with-a-bone'. That's very true to Steve so I'm glad that came across to you. Thanks so much!
are we scarred for life, do you think?stjarna1984 on February 24th, 2012 04:32 pm (UTC)
Yessssssss. This is the fic I have been wanting to read ever since Steve made that face behind Danny's back in the museum.

Perfect :)
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:26 am (UTC)
I'm so glad, thank you :)
antivolantivol on February 24th, 2012 07:48 pm (UTC)
Awesome. That really fits them. I can see Danny wanting normal so much, and Steve being relentless like this. Great work, and thanks for sharing!
Oh, so that's puce.: happy Ronmijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:29 am (UTC)
I struggled with this a little because I was worried some people might take offence that Danny would not see being with Steve as some kind of 'normal'. So I'm glad that you liked that thread of the fic. Thanks so much for reading and commenting :)
finduilas_clln on February 24th, 2012 10:12 pm (UTC)
Wow. That was.. oh wow. That was just incredible! I loved that so much. So so much.
Oh, so that's puce.: kayleemijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:29 am (UTC)
I'm so, so happy to hear that, thanks very much :D
americandirrtyamericandirrty on February 24th, 2012 11:21 pm (UTC)
This is...amazing.
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:30 am (UTC)
thank you :)
Creyrcreyr on February 25th, 2012 01:17 pm (UTC)
My favorite line was when Steve said he knew he had waited too long.
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:33 am (UTC)
I think Steve feels that way about a lot of things in his life, and I enjoyed writing this so I could see him finally do something about it :) thank you!
Lou: H50 - Steve looks at Dannogottalovev on February 25th, 2012 05:22 pm (UTC)
oh wow, that's fantastic. I absolutely love the way you wrote them, the mood of this, and it broke my heart a little that it was so hard to finally get there
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:35 am (UTC)
it broke my heart a little

Oh man, nto to sound completely harsh, but I'm really happy to hear that, haha. It broke mine too, because I'm such a sucker for 'they're in love now' stories, but I just felt like, Steve and Danny are not those people so I had to do it different. Thanks so much for your comment :)
mouth full of wiseass: steve/danny in your cornercrossmymind on February 25th, 2012 05:38 pm (UTC)
I cannot stop flailing and there may be tears and my chest literally aches with how perfect this is, oh my god.
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:37 am (UTC)
This si how they make me feel every week, so it's really cool to hear that I could offer something like that for you. It's really great to hear such comments, thanks so much :)
shy_dragon: oy Dannyshy_dragon on February 25th, 2012 07:42 pm (UTC)
You did a beautiful job of catching the conflict and heartache and confusion of being caught between two people. It sounds like either Gabby or Steve would have been wonderful for Danny.
Oh, so that's puce.: the other sidemijmeraar on March 12th, 2012 06:46 am (UTC)
This comment makes me so happy, thank you so much :)
My snuggles: you can haz them: h50 danny gracechlare on February 26th, 2012 08:19 am (UTC)
Lovely stuff here. I love the style of it - the jump to the next thing works with how Danny must be feeling. I also think it's great when people take time to look at how those canon relationships affect the ships we love without a simple break-up or something like that to get folks like Gabby out of the picture. I think it was a great approach and gave an excellent depth to 'Danny and Steve finally get together.' :) Your voices are great, the pacing was perfecto, the dialog just worked so well for them... Needless to say, I really enjoyed this!
Oh, so that's puce.mijmeraar on March 18th, 2012 03:17 am (UTC)
There's really nothing I can say in response to a comment like this, despite the late reply I appreciate your compliments so much. Thank you :)
Andreakoichiko on June 3rd, 2012 08:21 pm (UTC)
Basically what everyone else says - it's wonderful and it hurts pretty fucking bad.
Bubblesbfive0 on June 3rd, 2012 09:04 pm (UTC)
So.. this is perfect!! And because of that, I'm going to put my heart back inside my chest then reread this fic again just to see it being ripped out again...
mcparrotmcparrot on February 15th, 2013 11:52 am (UTC)
This one is awesome too. You write some lovely stories.